BY SARA BEATY
My emotional addiction stems from anxiety & stress, lack of emotional regulation and the need to control. I have lacked boundaries in areas of my life that violate my emotional safety and I have allowed my stubborn mindset to rule at the throne of my emotions. I admit my life has been unmanageable. I am ready to accept this reality of myself that has only kept me in perpetual bondage of self-righteousness and a victim of emotional abuse in my marriage.
My character defect has attracted me to people that trigger the toxic relationship that originated with my dad and I. The obsessive and perfectionist traits I adopted from mom growing up only enhanced my emotional addiction to stress/anxiety, leading to denial of self shortly after my parents' divorce. I can see how these character defects and tendencies that ruled my stubborn mindset require daily conscious awareness and acceptance of who I am as I connect and surrender to my creator. In essence, I must choose to accept God’s perception of me and embrace it. It is only then, when I will begin to experience the love of my higher power and begin to love myself freely, without the bondage of my own thinking and expectations to achieve perfection or to be loved. I will replace the fear of not getting enough love with the courage to trust that my Higher power will put people in my life who love and support me in a healthy way. “Healing starts when you give up a desire for a different past”—In order for me to understand this, I had to be willing to accept the past just as it happened and ask God to release me from the emotional bondage I was stuck in.
Only when I could relinquish the obsession of “how my life was supposed to be,” and accept things as they happened with all its unanswered questions, could I then take the step to surrender my will to my higher power.
Absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. It took me a long time to come to this place of acceptance. That is why for me, healing seemed like the elusive carrot stick with a bunch of “If only’s”.
Not anymore.
Today is different.
Today is a new start.
I will treasure it as such. I will learn to trust myself through trusting my Higher power that the things of today are how they should be and that I can let go. They are just that for today. Easy does it reminds me that safety is an important key component for maintaining emotional sobriety.
So I will learn to create the margins for safety through boundaries because I am beautiful and I am worth it.