BY GISELLE (GIGI) DELGADO
The other day I was pondering on how hard it must've been for those who walked with Jesus after His resurrection, before He ascended back to Heaven. Can you imagine? First, the traumatic experience of his horrific death, and the disappointment of those who believed He was a different kind of savior, more like a politician or dictator of sorts. Then, the shock of His resurrection! Can you imagine, your friend, pastor or mentor dies a horrible death, you're in the middle of your deep grief and then suddenly he appears? That must be terribly confusing! And then, as if that's not enough, after a few days of bliss alongside Him, he announces he's leaving again... almost like saying to them, "Just kidding! I gotta go again!"
I don't know about you, but that would be very difficult for me to comprehend and that's way too many emotions to navigate through and process.
For me, that's way too familiar with the "on and off" behaviors of living with an addict whose instability drives you crazy, never knowing what's next. Humans make promises they're unable to keep over and over again.
But Jesus was different. His presence must've brought tremendous peace. And to Have that perfect peace taken away from you - not once, but twice - must've been really difficult. If I was there before He ascended, I wouldn't want him to leave me again. I would definitely have anxious attachment with Him!
As I pondered this thought, I wondered if I could've possibly understood the mystery of all that was yet to come...
Then something wondrous happened to me. I think Jesus wanted to let me know something.
I had a vision of Jesus inside my mother's womb with me, when He had just finished creating me and I was about to be born. I could feel great peace with Him inside that cozy space with me. There was no loneliness. I understood that for a moment I had to leave this comfortable place I called home for nine months and go into earth for a mission He was giving me. Jesus knew I had to leave and He felt deep sadness for all that was about to take place in my earthly life.
For some reason my conversation with Jesus was poetic, perhaps it's a worship moment of sorts...
"I don't wan'a go!" I said.
"You must." said He.
"I won't make it out there without you." I said.
"You'll make it even less if you stayed here." said He.
"If you really loved me, you'd let me stay." I said.
"It's because I love you that you must leave." said He.
"I'm afraid of what's happening out there!" I cried.
"My perfect love will cast out all fear." He said.
"If you are God, can't you MAKE the people that will hurt me well?" I begged.
"Because I am God, I must let them CHOOSE to heal." he said.
"It's all very twisted," I said. "Can I stay with you a little longer?"
"If you remain in awareness of me," He said, "you will become stronger and stronger."
At that moment, I could feel he pull from the forceps. I understood why I didn't want to be born and the doctors had to pull me out. As I left the womb in gushes of blood and pain, I heard Him say,
"I will never leave you nor forsake you. We will talk soon again."
Then in my vision, in a mysterious and beautiful kind of way, my life fast forwarded and also I went back in time as well. I went from the womb to a place where Jesus was saying goodbye to many of His disciples after resurrection, right before His ascension. And I was there.
And this is the conversation we had:
"Please don't go!" I said.
"I must." said He.
"I won't make it here without you." I said.
"You'll make it even less if I stayed." said He.
"If you really loved me, you'd stay." I said.
"It's because I love you that I must leave." said He.
"I hate that they killed you!" I said
"I love you so much that I died for you... and for them too, you see."
"But if you are God, can't you MAKE them pay?" I asked
"Because I am God, I CHOSE to pay."
"It's all very twisted," I said. "Can you at least stay a little longer? Please?"
"I'll do even better," He said. "I will build a home inside of you instead.
But to do that, I must first leave this place."
"Okay, Jesus. I guess I'll have to trust your plan."
"Will it feel like when we were together in the womb?" I asked
"Even better, as we will be working together, hand in hand."
And then, in the blink of an eye, He left.
As my time-traveling vision was ending, I realized that for so many years, I lived in fear and anxiety because I was not aware of Him. Almost 40 years of longing and despair and a false sense of control that was unmanageable. Had I not surrendered to His will and His love I don't think I could've made it. Being aware of God in my life, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, truly saved my life.
Then I heard a little voice inside my head... it was my heart that spoke the words I longed to hear:
"I love you dearly, Gigi. Here I am!
Guess what?! All those years I never left.
I dwelled inside your heart instead.
But you made idols and hoarded memories that almost took up all the space.
You couldn't hear me because so much louder was your pain.
But as you kept healing, your tears washed the lies away like rain.
And now your heart has space for me again."
"So you never abandoned me?" I asked.
"I never abandoned you." said He.
"You simply lost sight of me
because resentments and un-dealt-with pain
were constantly replacing me in vain."
"I'm so sorry." I said as I wept.
"It's okay. Some promises are never kept."
"I was always with you.
in the womb, in the garden, in the rain
Thank you for enduring all the pain
And restoring your ancestors' life again
And for loving difficult people when
it was easier to run very far away."
"So I guess it's not really goodbye
When you left us in the earth
I kind of understand why
You couldn't tell us where you'll be
Because the Father's house has many rooms,
and one of those rooms is inside of me. "
If you can't hear Him, it just may be that you need to make room... What is taking up space in your heart today?
May you feel His love resurrect inside your heart and be aware that He dwells inside of you forever.
Happy Easter.
He is Risen, indeed!