My wedding anniversary is in 11 days and I 100 percent, absolutely, positively cannot
stand to look at my husband right now. I feel fed up with so many things. Mainly
inconsistency, his lack of servitude towards me, and just simply being thoughtful and
kind towards me. He told me the other day that he can tell I do not like him, that my
muscles tense up when he touches me, and my mood shifts.
I sat on what he said and agreed with it more and more as the week progressed.
I was at Hope4Life listening to The Dysfunctional Family class and this was said:
“If your parents have a broken marriage, it changes your romantic demands. If your parents separated in early childhood studies show, you’ll have higher demands when it comes to romantic relationships. You’ll expect your partner to show a higher degree of morality, loyalty & compassion, so you can trust them better.”
Then it all began to make sense, I finally figured out why I could not stand to look at my husband. I feel like I was taught to hate my husband by my parents. I saw them in a partnership, not a relationship. I am treating my marriage like a business, not a blessed union. I am looking at my husband in a transactional way to see if he has earned my respect and love. Although my husband needs to step up, my expectations are extraordinary in order to make my inner child feel safe.
Hope4Life is teaching me that having feelings and needs is normal and I should no
longer suppress them, so I went to grab the feelings wheel. I began to journal how I felt
about how I had been treating my husband. In actuality, I am placing all the hurt that
men have caused me in my life upon his shoulders and making him pay on a daily
basis. Disdain for men and female independence has been a knee-jerk response my
entire life. In the moment I am overwhelmed with shame and hopelessness. How can I
stop doing what comes so naturally to me?
I feel worried, worthless, frustrated, and guilty for making my husband suffer. Humiliated, hurt, lonely, let down, SO ANGRY! Ashamed, awful, bitter, worthless, worried, fearful, overwhelmed, disappointed, disgusted, despair, disillusioned, stressed, and O so tired. In the words of the Maverick City song God Problems, “There are some battles flesh & blood can’t win, there's just some problems only God can fix.” God help me to hide in you as I undo all the crap I learned as a child. It's not by power, or by might, but by the Spirit of the Living God.
My Grandfather and Father are pastors...
...I danced and sang in church my entire life...
...and never knew the love of God.
The poem below is a reflection of attending Hope4Life and learning who God is for the first time in my life.
I Am Alive for the First Time in My Life
I’m thriving for the first time in my life
I’m crying for the first time in my life
I’m trusting for the first time in my life
I’m setting boundaries for the first time in my life
I’m loving for the first time in my life
I’m coming out of my shell for the first time in my life
I’m enjoying freedom for the first time in my life
I’m no longer overwhelmed with guilt for the first time in my life
I’m no longer consumed by shame for the first time in my life
I’m not longer consumed by death for the first time in my life
I’m no longer consumed with worthlessness for the first time in my life
I’m experiencing God for the first time in my life (and I grew up in the church)
I’m emotionally regulated for the first time in my life
I’m healing from the inside out for the first time in my life
I have a voice for the first time in my life
I have self-confidence for the first time in my life
I’m learning not to hate men for the first time in my life
My eyes are open, my ears are open,
& my heart is warm & open for the first time in my life
I’m seeing for the first time in my life